Taking Chances
by sesshluver
Summary: Tonks is tired of hiding her pain. She turns to desperate measures. Can Remus tell her what's really in his heart?
1. No More

Chapter One: No More

Tonks moved restlessly around her small flat, sadness radiating from her in waves. This last year had been filled with tension, death, and heartache. She still remembered the surprise on Sirius's face as he fell threw the veil and the sight of Dumbledore's body on the stone slab at Hogwarts. So many had died. The war was coming to a head.

Thoughts of the war brought thoughts of Harry and his friends. Shortly before Hogwarts was to open for a new year they had disappeared. She knew they were searching for those bits and pieces that held Voldermort here even after death. She worried for them, but she had faith they would succeed. None of this explained the deep, wrenching sadness she felt, though. That was reserved for one person, Remus.

She couldn't tell you when her feelings changed from friendship to love. Maybe it was when he was so strong after Sirius died. Or maybe it was before that, and she just didn't notice. Either way, she was very much in love with the werewolf, and very much heartbroken. He was just so adamant that they could never be. At first she thought that it was because of the werewolf thing, but after today she wasn't as sure.

Thoughts of what she'd blurted out in the Hogwarts medical ward made heat suffuse her cheeks. Now everyone was privy to her one-sided love. And she was quite sure it was one-sided. If Fluer was still willing to be with Bill after what happened, it proved that being werewolf, or part werewolf, wasn't important. He had still turned her down. That's when she realized he'd just been using being a werewolf to let her down gently.

Deciding that a hot bath sounded lovely, she headed toward her bathroom. With a flick of her wand, the tub was full of hot, bubble-filled water. Stripping her clothes wearily from her body, she eased into the soothing water. Sighing in pleasure, she leaned her head back, relaxing her muscles one by one.

She soaked for an hour before shaving and washing herself. As the water drained from the tub, she dried herself with a towel. For a little over an hour she'd been able to forget her troubles, but bit by bit, she was remembering. Walking to her bedroom, she searched for something to wear. As she passed her full length mirror, she slowed to look at herself. It wasn't a pretty sight.

Short, limp, mousy hair sat atop a heart-shaped face dominated by big blue eyes, a small nose, and semi-full lips. All in all, she looked quite plain. She took stock of her body next, which cheered her somewhat. She had high, firm breasts, with dusky areoles, neither too big nor too small. She tapered to a narrow waist with a hard, flat stomach from years of being an Auror before gently flaring out at the hips. She had nice, toned legs that led to small ankles and dainty feet with small toes painted bright pink.

Though her face was plain, she didn't have a half bad figure. It still wasn't enough to entice him. Maybe he's gay, she thought idly. At least if he was gay, his non-interest wouldn't be because she was lacking. Then she remembered the way he looked at Fluer in the hospital wing. He had definitely appreciated what he saw. If he was gay, even Fluer's Veela heritage wouldn't be able to cause a reaction.

So then it was back to her. Somehow, she was lacking. She knew it wasn't her looks. After all, she could change that at will. That left only her personality and age. She knew she sometimes came off as a little odd, but she couldn't help it. How else was one to deal with being in a family like hers? She'd much rather be silly, optimistic, and outgoing than brooding and pessimistic like Sirius had been. Of course it didn't help that she was a major klutz as well. That just added to the immaturity persona everyone stuck her with.

Suddenly, everything hit her at once. She was fighting in a war where any of them could die tomorrow, and the one man she loved more than anything saw her as nothing more than an annoying fellow Order member. She was going to die sad and alone, whether tomorrow or fifty years from now. The thought crushed the air from her lungs. She couldn't take it anymore. If she was going to die, it would be on her terms. Besides, what did she have to live for?

She wasn't a critical member of the Order, so her death would hurt them very little. Remus would finally be free of her constant badgering. Hell, he might even be relieved if she wasn't around anymore. The ministry would make public statement about such a tragedy, but being an Auror was stressful and, though it wasn't common, others had left by their own hands it the pasts. It wouldn't be too big of a deal.

Resolving herself to the fact that she was committed to this plan of action, she began to prepare. Since you couldn't use a wand on yourself, the Aveda Kadavra was out. That left the Muggle way. She could shoot herself, but someone would hear and come immediately. She didn't want to make anyone panic. Besides that method was messy.

She could stab herself. The only problem was the pain factor. Though pain was part of her job description she tried to avoid it if possible, and now was no exception. That left slitting her wrists. He was minor pain compared to the others, and within minutes you stopped feeling at all if the stories were true. That sounded the least messy, especially if she did it in the tub, and the least painful. Plus, the supplies were few and easy to come by.

She dressed quickly in a green silk nightgown and matching knickers. She'd rather no one find her completely naked. She at least wanted some dignity when she went. She headed for the kitchen to grab a knife. She knew of a nice, sharp, long-bladed one. She grabbed it and took it to the bathroom, sitting it on the rim of the tub. She wondered how long it would take for someone to find her. Maybe she should owl someone. They wouldn't be able to get to her flat in time to stop her, but it wouldn't take until she smelled for someone to find her.

She started thinking of who she would rather find her, and Remus immediately came to mind. She didn't want to burden him with anymore guilt, but she wasn't entirely comfortable with someone else finding her. She should probably leave a note for everyone to be able to read. That was normal for suicides too. It would help to give others closer. She sat down at her desk, situated in the living room. Grabbing a piece of parchment, she began her letter to Remus.


	2. Saving Love

Chapter Two: Saving Love

Remus Lupin stood outside her flat, trying to screw up the courage to knock. They needed to talk. After what happened this last week and the argument in the Hogwarts medical ward, he needed to explain a few things to her. He still couldn't get the look on her face after their latest fight out of his head. She had looked so defeated. That look wasn't suited for her. She should be glowing with happiness. Why couldn't she see that a relationship with him was impossible?

He was a werewolf. No matter how much she tried to deny it, he couldn't be what she wanted. She was much better off finding someone her own age that was normal. Sighing he prepared to knock when an owl came out of her window. He watched out it flew of into the night, heading for some unknown destination before it abruptly turned around and made a beeline for him. Landing on his shoulder, the screech owl allowed him to remove the letter for his beak before gliding off to hunt. Why would she be sending a letter to him? Curiosity peaked he opened it, seeing her neat scrawl filling the page.

Dear Remus,

By the time you get this letter, it will be too late to stop me. I am writing you because of everyone who could find me, you are the only one I am comfortable with seeing me in such a state. I thought I was stronger than this, but life has a funny way of proving you wrong. I want to say before I get too far along that what I'm doing isn't your fault, it's mine. However, I wanted you to know why.

I know I've told this many times, but I will write it just once more. I love you. I don't the whys or hows, but it's the truth. When you first started turning me away saying a werewolf could never give me the life I deserved, I accepted it. Though I could care less about what you are, I knew it was important to you. I still fought for you, as you well know, but I took what you said at face value. Now I know you were just truing to keep me from embarrassing myself.

When Fluer accepted Bill, even with how he had changed, I thought there might be a chance for us again. I was still going on the assumption that your being a werewolf was the only hangup you had about us. When you still denied me I realized something. You had been turning me down because you didn't care for me the way I did you. The werewolf excuse was just that, an excuse. You weren't in love with me, and being the kind man you are, you tried to turn me down without hurting me.

I thank you for that. It still doesn't change how I feel, but I can accept that you don't love me. Maybe I'm too immature for you (though I doubt it), maybe I'm too klutzy, or maybe I'm too plain. Whatever the reason, I can see now that I'm only embarrassing you and myself in my continued pursuit of your affections. Therefore, I've decided to remove myself form the situation.

It's not just your love that has guided me in this direction, but everything that has happened in the past year. I'm so tired, Remus. This war is getting worse and none of us may live till tomorrow. I'm scared. If I'm going to die, I'm going to do it my way. At least I'm not that important to either the Ministry or the Order. And now you won't have to deal with me bugging you. It's for the best of all involved.

I hope someday, whether or not the war is over, that you are able to find happiness. Don't ever settle. Your being a werewolf doesn't limit you. There is a woman out there who will see what I see and love you for it. Please, embrace what she offers. If you wish to honor my memory, that would make me the happiest.

Goodbye my love,  
Nympadora Tonks

Panicked, Remus dropped the letter and began banging on Nymhadora's door. Was she crazy? This wouldn't solve anything. Getting no answer, he whipped out his wand muttering the unlocking charm before barging into her flat. She was nowhere in sight. He listened for any strange sounds before taking a cautious sniff of the air. Never had he been so grateful for his canine like senses. He smelled blood coming from her bathroom. Rushing to the door, he threw it open. The sight that greeted him had him gasping for air.

Tonks gave Remus's note to her screech owl with instructions to deliver it before being allowed to hunt. Seeing him fly away into the night, she turned from her window and headed toward the bathroom. As she closed the door, she thought she heard something, but dismissed it as she set herself in the tub. Taking the knife, she pressed it firmly against her left wrist before quickly slashing it. Blood began to pour from the wound. She swiftly switched hands before she lost too much feeling in the left one and repeated the process with her right wrist.

Mission complete, she dropped the knife on the bathroom floor and sat back to wait. Her head was becoming very fuzzy. Distantly she heard banging and shouting that sounded suspiciously like Remus, but she was too loopy to care. Her bathroom door banged open, startling her. She tried to lift her head, but it felt much too heavy. Familiar hands grabbed her wrists, wrapping them in white cloth to stop the bleeding. She tried to break their grip, but she was far too weak. As blackness consumed her, she had the feeling of being lifted.

Remus stared in horror at the blood pouring from her delicate wrists, the culprit lying on the floor. He conjured bandages to wrap around her wounds until he could get her out of the tub. He gently cradled her small frame as he carried her to her bedroom. Laying her on the bed, he removed the bandages, taking his wand and muttering a healing charm. He watched as her skin neatly knitted itself back together.

Finally realizing her clothes were soaked in her own blood, he went to her dresser to find something to change her into. Spotting red silk nightgown, he grabbed it and headed back to the bed. Mechanically he removed her green nightgown, performing various cleansing charms to remove the blood before dressing her in the red one. Distantly he noticed she had nice, firm breasts that would fit perfectly in his hands, topped with delicious looking areoles. Her waist was tiny before flaring out to form delicate hips.

As he tugged the nightgown down, he noticed that her knickers were also covered in blood. Suddenly, what he was doing hit him square in the head. Flashes of her luscious body filled his mind, causing him to become aroused. Frustrated, he commanded his body to calm down. Now was definitely not the time for such thoughts. He body thought it was a great time and refused to obey him.

Growling in annoyance, he went back to her dresser and looked for some new knickers. Amazingly, she had a red silk pair to match her nightgown. Images of stripping her of that nightgown flitted across his brain before he firmly closed that side of his head off. Grabbing the knickers, he approached the bed once more and swiftly changed the green out for the red. Satisfied that she was as comfortable as possible, he covered her with a blanket. He would need to brew a blood replenishing potion.

Several hours later, fresh blood replenishing potion in hand, he approached Nymphadora's sleeping form. Gently propping her up and sipping behind her to hold her in place, he brought the potion to her lips. Tipping the cup, he massaged her throat to induce her to swallow. Getting the entire potion down her throat, he set the cup on the bedside table. Leaning back, he shifted until he had them both resting comfortably. Knowing he could do nothing but wait, he allowed exhaustion to claim him and fell into the land of dreams.


	3. Truth

Chapter Three: Truth

Tonks woke up to the delicious feeling of warmth. If this was what death felt like, than she wasn't complaining. Stretching like a cat, she heard a grunt behind her right before her hands came into contact with silky hair. What the fuck? Eyes shooting open in panic, Tonks took in her surroundings. She was in her room. Attempting to rise, she was hindered by two steel bands wrapped around her waist. Upon closer inspection she found them to be two masculine arms clothed in white cotton.

"I see you're finally awake, my dear," a very familiar voice whispered in her ear. Eyes widening in panic, Tonks gasped.

"Remus," she squeaked. Whipping her head around, she met a pair of familiar grey eyes. Oh lord no. This was not happening. Couldn't she just die in peace?

"That is my name," he answered wryly. He voice finally snapped her back to reality, and anger began to set in.

"What are you doing here," she asked coldly. Why did he always have to interfere?

"I would think that obvious, Nymphadora. I'm helping you," he stated.

"I don't want it. Why couldn't you have just let me die? Things would have been a lot easier," he spit out. She once more tried to rise, but Remus's arms merely tightened more, molding her body to his.

"Let me go," she ground out.

"No, I don't think so," he replied firmly.

"Why the hell not," she asked angrily.

"Because we need to talk, and you are conveniently placed," he said dryly.

"I don't want to talk," she spat. She began to squirm, trying to wriggle out of the werewolf's hold.

"Stop that," she heard him say tightly, as if in pain.

"Not until you let me go," she replied, continuing to squirm around. Two long, fabric covered legs rose up and planted themselves firmly over her own, weighing her down. The two steel bands quickly left her waist before capturing her arms and drawing them to her side, immobilizing her.

"Remus. Let. Me. Go."

"Not until we talk. The sooner you calm down, the quicker I'll let you go," he replied reasonably. Realizing she wasn't going to sway him, Tonks quieted down.

"Fine. Talk," she sighed.

"Why would you do something like that," he said, anger starting to cloud his voice. Unbidden, tears began to fill her eyes, but she refused to let them fall. She wouldn't show weakness.

"Because there's no reason to stick around," she said shakily.

"You little fool," he spat, "did you honestly think killing yourself was the way to solve the problem?"

"Oh, come on Remus, don't act like you suddenly care," she spat, anger clouding her judgment. If he wanted to know why she was choosing that path, then she would tell him.

"I did it because I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of the constant worry and seeing people I care about getting killed. I'm tired of praying for one more day. Mostly, I'm tired of feeling like I'll never be good enough for love," she said tiredly.

"You are a fool," he said teasingly, "of course you're loveable."

"I'd love to believe you, but let's face it, Remus. The one person who I want to love me doesn't. What's the point," she sighed.

"Nymphadora," he said wearily, "you know why I can't be with you."

"Yeah, because I'm too immature, plain, and klutzy," she replied, trying to add a teasing note to her voice, but ended up just sounding strained.

"No, because I'm a werewolf," she countered, "and you're neither immature nor plain."

"You didn't say anything about klutzy," she teased.

"I'd be lying if I said you weren't," he joked back. Tonks knew that this was her last chance to get Remus to understand, so she decided to take a chance.

"Remus, let me up so I can look at you please," she asked quietly. The arms cradling her released her small form as his legs dropped to the side. Getting on her knees, she turned to face the man she loved. Looking into his eyes, she silently asked him to listen to what she had to say. Sighing deeply she started.

"I will not let you use the fact that you're a werewolf be the reason we can't be together. I can understand if it's me.." she began.

"But Nymphadora--,"

"Listen! Remus, you saw what happened today because of your denial. I can't live like this anymore. Seeing you and knowing we could be together if you would allow it is killing me. Next time I decide to take the plunge, you may not be there to save me. I need this resolved today," she sated.

"Nymphadora, it's too much of a risk," he began before a slender digit covered his mouth to silence him.

"No it's not. Remus, we're taking risks everyday that are a lot more likely to kill us than you're being a werewolf. You've controlled it for over a decade. Why are you so scared," she asked desperately.

"Because I almost killed Harry and his friends once. What if I forget to take the Wolfsbane potion in the future and it's you instead," he shouted.

"Is that the reason for all this? You really are stupid. Remus, that was a unique event. Besides, with my Auror training, I could still defend myself if you became dangerous," she said.

"But I don't want to hurt you. It would kill me if anything happened to you," he said emotionally.

"Any you're killing me now, Remus. Can you live better with knowing that I kill myself because you're an idiot or that maybe someday you might attack me in your werewolf form," she asked angrily.

"Don't say that," he said, grabbing her roughly and pulling her against his body. Cupping her face in his hands he forced her eyes to meet his.

"Don't joke about killing yourself again," he whispered roughly before crushing his mouth against hers. A startled gasp escaped her lips, giving him the opportunity to slip his tongue into her moist cavern and explore all its secrets. His hands dropped from her face to wrap themselves around her tiny waist, molding her more firmly against himself as she wrapped her arms around his neck. She felt a distinctly hard bulge press into her stomach. They finally came back up for air.

"It almost killed me when I walked into that bathroom," he gasped, "There was so much blood. I thought I was too late." She could see the panic he still had in his eyes. Wrapping her arms around him, she ran her hands through his silky hair, trying to bring him comfort.

"I'm sorry Remus, but I just couldn't take being without you anymore," she whispered, "I'm lost without you."

"Nymphadora, I'm sorry I pushed you away. Gods, I almost lost you because of my stubbornness," he said brokenly. Pulling away, he once again kissed her. He gently laid her down, his hard body looming over her. Breaking the kiss, he stared into her eyes.

"Are you sure this is what you want," he asked hesitantly.

"Yes," she gasped out, air quickly leaving her lungs as he nuzzled her neck. She couldn't believe that it was finally happening. Getting swept away with the sensations Remus was creating, she smiled in wonder.


End file.
